Missing them

It's been over a month since the kids first got here, one at a time, to visit. I don't think I've had this much time with them since 2006. This are moments that are so precious to me-- a week or 2 here and there. It just a shame though. Twice a year is not enough to keep the connection as open as I once had with the children of my ex.

I can put it out of my head and heart for weeks at a time, the survival instinct is generally strong. But then it hits me. Last night was tough because Anjuli is leaving today. I was looking at my cat, who is older now, and thought of the cat that died in 03. I missed the Tigger cat. And then I remembered why I was crying on the shoulder of my lover. It wasn't about the cats. It's amazing how your thoughts and feelings get buried in a chain of familiar feelings. The cats, the death, the grief, ah... the source... my missing the kids.

Anj and Brian are growing up so much. They are 6 inches taller than the last time I saw them. With new voices. With new eyes. I think of all the moments that I have missed since they have been gone. I still have these vicious feelings of steely eyed anger for the perpetrator of this out-of-state burglary. Part of the reason that gay rights equalling marriage are so important can be listed with the above problem:

1) We make families regardless of law.
2) By making families and not having equal representation under the law for our relationships, we doom folks to horrifying splits involving children and $$$. If you didn't have the children, you can kiss your rights goodbye. If you are not the $$$ person, you could find yourself outta cash that you both worked together for.
3) You also doom the children to live with this. No one has any recourse.

When I next see them, it will be for my marriage to Kelli in Nov. I will shield myself as most survivors do for the next 5months. By the forceful forgetting. And the reawakening in Nov will be wonderful and painful and so very full.

Wherever you walk my children, you will always walk with me beside you. In dreams, in my heart. It is the only consistant gift I have left to give you both. And when the day comes that Kelli and I make our family bigger, with reintroduction of young ones, it will be with 2nd parent adoption. It will be with domestic partnership in hand. It will be with full of the smart steps that were not available with my last partnered life.

I look forward to the day when our gay and lesbian relationships will be deemed as worthy and as important as those of my sisters and friends and family. By society. And by the law.